One Year On

I have had a very bad year – the worst one, certainly health-wise. Due to several flares of my various conditions I had lost my part-time education job, was unable to take up a Masters course that I have wanted to do for years, lost my car that I had also waited years for and there were also family struggles to contend with. My pain increased and became unbearable. Due to last years tsunami of events I developed depression and anxiety. I know that, sadly, depression and anxiety are quite common amongst those of us with Chronic Illnesses and Chronic Pain but this was the first time I had suffered them on a severe and clinical level. Despite my rational brain telling me that it is a common experience and diagnosis and that there is no shame in having those conditions I still felt too uneasy about mentioning it on my blog, of saying it out loud.

I have not posted for almost half a year due being uncomfortable about what to say. I wanted this blog to be a positive and light-hearted space that I, and hopefully a few others, could escape to that focused on the ‘lovely’ side of things. However, I found that I couldn’t face writing as my mood was so far from what I wanted to create and nurture on my blog that I felt I would’ve been a fraud if I tried to carry on as before. I also felt ashamed about cowardly avoiding the topic of depression and anxiety, especially as many on WordPress and other platforms speak powerfully and openly about their experiences in order to support each other and break the stigma attached to those conditions.

I became annoyed at myself as I was happy to talk about my Lupus etc. but when it came to my mental health conditions my reaction was to hide to feel embarrassed. The addition of the word ‘mental’ with regards to illness should make no fundamental difference to the tone of the chronic illness/disability debate, Chronic Illness is just that a chronic illness, but it left me uneasy as I didn’t want to make a ‘drama’ out of it but I felt a bit of a fraud about not recognising these new aspects of my health. In ‘hiding’ I was hindering the great work that many on here have done in educating and de-stigmatizing Mental Health issues and denying to chronicle my ‘true’ experience of Chronic Illness that I hoped would help understanding of our hidden and complex lives. So, my name is Lore and I have Depression and Anxiety, nice to meet you.

Next, I’ll move on to the pretty stuff – beauty boxes!

Oh, strangely,the day I felt able to blog again is the same day exactly one year ago that I started the blog!

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4 thoughts on “One Year On

  1. rhosynmd says:

    I’m so glad you’re feeling able to blog again. I’ve often thought about you, and hoped you were ok. I’m so sorry the last months have been so rough, and I’m also sorry that you’ve been suffering from depression and anxiety. I understand how difficult it is to talk about them, as I too suffer from them. Looking forward to reading what you will write xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • lore green says:

      Thank you so much. I’m sorry to hear that you are having to deal with those issues too – it sucks doesn’t it! To help me get used to typing/posting and actually interacting with people again I started by using Twitter again for about a month where I was pleased to find you again. Can’t wait to catch up on your blog posts. xx

      Like

  2. Nova says:

    Hi Lore, I stumbled across your blog after googling lupus and snail gel! I know living with a suite of autoimmune conditions myself how that alone can take its toll on one’s mental health, it’s not suprising really as there’s lots of things that get out of kilter and we can start feeling down on ourselves at times and it affects confidence severely. I do find there’s little support and understanding from folk in general and if you’re anything like me get sick of explaining or feeling the need to have found myself a magical cure that science hasn’t come up with yet as there really isn’t too much knowledge on the whole mechanism of how and why in certain autoimmune diseases and even general practitioners haven’t really got a grasp on the way some can be interrelated. I think in order to live well with these conditions from experience, I have a better quality of life and am less hampered with disappointment if I accept no one has any answers at the moment and the limited energy I was using on battling (it feels this way) a solution was getting me extremely anxious and depressed, thought I was going to have to acute mental health services help at times but all that requires energy again! It’s counterproductive. Kindness to oneself is the key I find and finding joy in little things that we can do and peace when we can’t do.

    As a complete aside, the Dr Organics snail gel has been very helpful with my malar rash, I’m really impressed, it’s not a cure but it just seems to reduce a bit of the inflammation and make it less fiery.

    Wishing you a better year, stay strong x

    Liked by 1 person

    • lore green says:

      Hi, so sorry its taken till now to reply I haven’t been on here for a while. Its great that you’ve found snail gel helpful, I love it. I’m sorry that you’ve been facing similar struggles and accessing help shouldn’t be a struggle but like you I find that I don’t even have the energy for the basics, such as blood tests etc. Let alone anything more demanding. I hope you’re doing ok at the moment.

      Like

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