Wrestling with Sleep
A key feature of all my conditions is persistent fatigue, the type that lashes at you with every breath and with every effort those lashes sting over wounds that have been unable to heal. It is not pleasant and the cruel irony is that whilst your body aches for sleep every part of the day, often the pain makes sleep impossible so the lashes continue piling on lessening the chances to heal. And even when you are able to sleep you absorb it like a glutton and the result of such necessary indulgence is more pain.
Sleep for me is a constant struggle; I fight the need of it so I can stay awake to do a task, I wrestle with it as I want desperately to sleep yet the pain scares it off and I often fear to sleep as the chances are that when I wake I will feel just as bad or worse when I wake. I also fear that I am and will sleep my life away. This sounds quite bleak and mostly it is, but some days when insomnia persist through the night – like now – I get a surge of manic-like energy than makes me feel indestructible and full of optimistic plans of the day ahead…I’m going to set-up a website, read that book, walk the dog, write several pages… Alas, this feeling does not last long and the plans will just remain plans, but I love the feeling as it is a reminder of the old me and I will run with it for as long as I can – which will be probably be till 11.30 am. Take advantage of every little positive.